I'm sorry, God called in sick today. I'll be taking your messages.

Hey darlings. Add my new username, por favor.

belle_aesthetic

Meloncholy, meloncholy-- the word itself sounds like a melody.
Nostolgic makes me think of a nose.
Incidentally, those two words describe the movie Eternal Sunshine perfectly... though I'm at work, and in no way watching it. I wasn't even thinking about it until those two words came to me. Hm. Well obviously, that's not the point of this.
I miss my friends. Work has, undoubtedly, slashed the little time I have left with them in half. Maybe fourths. Or sixths.

This entry is just to pass the time. Writing up Closing Statements is in no way my idea of a good time. Marco should have his phone back soon. Then, we shall chat.

Indeed.

I'm hungry.

What I've written isn't enough, and I feel as if each one of these is incomplete. Probably because there is so much more to each of you than I feel, but can't consciously acknowledge yet-- I lack the wisdom or insight in these young years.
I know enough to know that I understand only the slightest bit of how you've impacted my life but I know that the significance of our friendships will grow in my mind over the years and when we all meet again, we will have come to a mutual, silent realization.
I love each and every one of you, and I felt that I needed to express a few things on paper.



Jaime:
You make me feel normal. You make me feel sane. You're like a security blanket and a comfort zone; you bring me out of myself and back into the real world. You always made me remember to stay lighthearted, that yes, I was a teenage girl and girls just wanna have fun! :) You were my highschool experience. You were my shopping, my road trips to Jersey, my sushi lunch date and a shoulder to cry on. I could always confide in you and know that you would never judge me.
You're an amazing, caring person. You were a mommy to us all, and I know you know what I mean. I hope, in the future, that when you make friends, they care as deeply about you as we do. It's no more than you deserve.
Thank you for all the hugs and the edemame.

[Disclaimer: When you guys started working, I honestly felt shut out and that I'd lost you. Now, I'm alright and I don't mind hearing about "OMGZ THAT GUY WORKING [insert random Shoprite term... Produce, perhaps?] is so GORGEOUS." ]

Monique:
How random it was that we became friends. I still don't know how that happened, but somewhere during LeTenzi's, we pushed our desks together, and meshed our lives together as well. I am so glad to have a best friend like you. Your positive attitude has kept my life bright in so many ways. I needed someone like you after that first winter, and my wish was granted. I will never eat guacamole without thinking of you, and our trips to Pathmark. Margarita mix is, as we discovered, best with corn-dogs, and a new kitten around. Your laughter is infectious and it can always make me smile. Strike that. YOU can always make me smile. You are, in many ways, the complete opposite of me... and I love you for it! You're truly someone that I can talk about anything with and you know that next year, you can call me up at any time and we'll just chat away like we always do. Thank-you for that. My hyperactive bunny, I love you.
I hope you have the life you want. You deserve happiness, because you give it.
... And you WILL have a hunky, rich husband. ;)

Alicia:
You are so strange. Alicia, I don't know how I'd have gotten through highschool without you. This year, especially. I'm glad I was there to keep you from flipping out about your MILLIONS OF AP classes (though you did anyway) and that you were there to share my passion for how unjust things are in the world. I honestly think you're someone that can change it... the world, I mean. Please keep your ambition and your dreams alive.
Your temper is short, and though you make people quake with fear when Mt.Alicia starts to rumble, I know I can get you to laugh and blow off some steam. You know you love it when I annoy you, speaking in nonsense and writing you threatening poems!
Live life the way you want to, and don't let anyone, even your own self-doubt keep you from achieving what you deep-down know you can. I believe in you, my darling best friend, and so should you.

Erica:
Ah, Erica. Your birthdays were always very memorable MCC meetings, for some reason. You bring us together, I suppose. :)
You understand some parts of me that are not quite so simple. When you listen to people, you seem genuinely interested in what they have to say. I've always enjoyed talking to you because you're always full of "I get what you means" and that is refreshing. You, my dear, are refreshing in yourself. You have such a subtle adorableness that draws people in. You have a real interest in learning-- anything, everything! You are sweetly caring... especially when you cry because Monique can't go out ;) Sigh. I adore you, my best friend.
Life, for you, can go anyway you want it to, so don't hold back. You have so many dreams, and all of them should be realized. Live in Australia for a few months. Try out for a blockbuster movie role. Be a stripper, like we've discussed. I'd go see you ;)

Nidai:
You are fiercely protective of us, and I only hope we've done enough to deserve it. Darling, you have such a big heart and it hurts me when people take advantage of you because of it. Please keep your heart safe, because I love it.
All the days I spend at your house are amazing. Whether it be playing Mortal Kombat or Pokemon Stadium, you always prove that you are a SORE LOSER haha... but I love you, my charming best friend, anyway. You're always one of the first to run with squeals and a hug, for a very important reason or just because you feel like it. You and I have walked many miles together (quite literally! lol) Ahhh... that first trip Rob's house in the snow; the second to Clove Lakes; chinese food (PAN ASIAN!)... so memorable. :)
Please don't underestimate yourself; you have SO much to offer and I wish you'd realize that. Thank-you for being there, always.

What was the last wedding you went to? Were you in the wedding?


Well the last "wedding" I went to was Marco's grandparents' renewal of vows on the 9th. It was awkward and sweet at the same time. Though I felt strange sitting in a church listening to, "Those that fear the lord are blessed" (or something of the sort) I got to meet his family. His uncle Jay even welcomed me to it. It was just a pleasant and warm atmosphere.
I adored his cousins, and got closer to his sister and Amanda. It was really an amazing experience.
We did, however, get into a small fight which resulted in him walking out during the reception, and me being more than a bit upset with him because of that... But it was quickly resolved with a reluctant hug that turned into a sincere kiss.
Not to mention that, before we got into the car we walked around for a bit and, um... well... a very dark, quiet street is quite inspiring. ;)

Thank-you, livejournal for the prompt.

What does fitting in really mean? I doubt I've ever fit in.

My friends... well. Hm. My friends. Most of them work together; me excluded. A lot of them also like really awful music; me (ha..ha) excluded. They talk about things that I really have no desire to talk about a lot of the time. Work, being a main topic. I don't know. Maybe I'm not losing much with college. I love my friends, but I've never... Shrug. I think I'm just too complicated. No one wants to hear about that. No one wants to be brought down. So I just save those conversations for others.

I don't want to sing along to your goddamn songs.

I was a bitch to Joe the whole night. I was quiet and aloof during dinner.

I cried during the car ride home. Discretely, I hope. The darkness blurred past me as I stared straight out the side window. It was an unintelligible mess of nothing, and that's exactly how I felt. It's exactly what I needed to look at.

I was clinging to the thought of Marco. I doubt I'll see him tomorrow. Oh, but I need to. How cliche is it to say that he's the only one that fits? God, this fucking sucks.

"Why am I seething with this animosity?"


This whole journal is the epitome of emo.
FUCK!

I rip off the days on my calendar like the wings of butterflies. These pointless fucking days.

So today was the impromptu Latin Fair. I was drafted for it a little less than a week ago, as Venus in the fashion show. My first and last rehearsal was last night. However, all went well-- for being the first event of its kind at our school.
I was made to wear more pink than I do in a year. The materials were silk and taffeta, however, very young romantic, so I slightly liked being made up in such a manner.
Oh, and, my Paris was quite cute. =] I took his golden apple with a smile.

A few minutes ago, I cut my hair. It was already a bit shorter from the trimming before prom, but now I cut the back. It looks good, having had it curled earlier today.

I miss Marco. He was sexually harassed by a psychotic 45 year old co-worker. Blatantly. Obnoxiously. It was taken to a ridiculous degree ... Bah!

Me! Honestly, things are getting fucking ridiculous.

-Kristin is still hanging around Marco. This annoys me to no end. I wish they'd just fuck already.
-I haven't spoken to Rich in days, but good news, he's back with Christy. I'm not sure why this makes me uneasy, but I don't like that it does.
-Someone recently told me he was madly in love with me and called me his Beatrice. I pointed out that we've met more than twice. He said he hoped I died young so it'd shorten his period of suffering. I pointed out that didn't stop Dante. He said yes, but he doesn't know Latin or Italian fluently, but speaks English. And I said right, and that makes you coarse and shallow.

Aside from all this underground uneasiness, my weekend should have been fun (but was dampened by the above points floating around in my mind.) Yesterday I went to a BBQ at Nick's, with Monique, and that was fun. I beat his brother at chess (score.) Saturday, we went to see Pirates. By we, I mean Alicia, Monique, Marco and I. The night after prom, we all slept over Alicia's house. Marco and I were curled up on the floor, freezing. Cue Alicia in the morning: "Guys, there were blankets in the closet..." *glare* She was the first one asleep, we weren't going to wake her...

My prom was as good a prom experience as anyone could hope for. (I looked fucking amazing.) Everything went well and I've realized that I love dancing with Marco. (Wtf, my keyboard keeps locking up... =\)

Sigh.

Things have been going fine. I wish school would fucking end.

Prom is Friday.
I had sex in a cemetery on Sunday.
I hope Rich and Christy get back together.
Marco is a magnet for infatuation.

I wish I could write again. I wish my entries were as eloquent as they used to be back when... I miss the way my world was colored when Louis was still a regular.

Marco took a picture of my eye and it looks so old. It's disgusting.

She cupped her hands, and brought them to the water running out of the faucet in front of her. She was kneeling, and her knees felt scalded from the pool of hot liquid draining away from her. Her hand had slipped, at first, on the hot water knob. Yet now, it was a pleasantly warm stream that followed the lines of her silhouette, down her arms, splashing onto her thighs, and down them, to her red knees and down the drain.
She brought her face down into her palms which were still cupped and overflowing with water. She tried to bring her hands over both her mouth and nose, but those sabateours, those small hands of hers, could not do so succesfully, at least not with the water.
She wanted to feel as if she was drowning. She wanted to, even, (perhaps) to drown.
Perhaps.

When she returned to her room, her cell phone told her that she'd gotten a text. It was from a problem. She pressed the little red button and put her phone down. She'd ignore it; she'd let him think she was already asleep.

watch the sun,
as it crawls across a final time
and it feels like,
like it was a friend.
it is watching us,
and the world we set on fire
do you wonder,
if it feels the same?

and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
as your time is running out
let me take away your doubt
you can find a better a place
in this twilight

dust to dust,
ashes in your hair remind me
what it feels like
and I won't feel again
night descends
could I have been a better person
if I could only do it all again

and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
and the longing that you feel
you know none of this real
you can find a better a place
in this twilight



So what's been happening? I couldn't even tell you. I haven't had anything to do for the past three days. For school, that is.
I had things to say.

I
Creeping down the crumbling stone,
you gaze, forever looking to expand
Your green fingers extending down.

The take over is hostile but quiet
you shut out the light and suffocate
Egomaniac, cross-dresser.

The presence you bring screams ancient wilderness
A kind of ominous confirmation
That you will one day crawl on my tomb, et entre moi.

II
Creeping down the crumbling stone,
Your gaze tells of conquest
As your fingers, chlorophyll-neon, look to grab.

The take over is hostile but quiet.
What is underneath grows forgetfull
Oh, you sheltering shape-shifter.

I felt a change, I felt a change. I've realized it.
I changed so much in the past week.
I think.
Everything is so unclear but all of a sudden my priorities have rearranged.
I can't explain it.

I hung out with Rich today. We made copies of the Resistance logo. 150 of each page.

I don't know what I think anymore.

I have a voice.

www.artisresistance.com
www.anotherversionofthetruth.com

I am faithful.

Today is gonna make or break this.

I'm going to prove it, once and for all. And then it'll be definite.

I liked this weekend a lot. Mostly.

I hung out with Rich on Friday. We went to this seminar on global warming and the rising sea levels. The seminar was quite dull and didn't affect me at all. Highly inconclusive and not even near apocalyptic= yawn.
We, however, did bond and though I don't feel like elaborating, it was just a nice evening overall.

Saturday: Marco, Erica's party.
We got into a small fight.
Let's move on.

Hung out with Burak today. I do miss him sometimes, lol. Today was nice. [I just texted Marco, "Goodnight." He called back to that. I'll explain a few sentences further into the entry.] He was on the island so we were going to go to Gateway Park. We got root beer floats at Carvel, and then headed to our destination. However upon arrival we realized that it was quite cold, so we retreated back to the car. He let me drive around a bit and I told him that I was probably never going to get my license. He said I just needed some confidence.
I digress.
So then we were thinking of what to do and he suggested a movie. There really are no other good movies out, except for Factory Girl and the two movies that I'm supposed to see with Marco.
Here it comes.
We wound up seeing 300 because I really wasn't about to see a movie neither of us wanted to see.
Marco called during the movie. I told him where I was. He got mad. Whatever.
So anyway, after the movie, we went to The Cup. We talked a lot more and then he took me home. Being the guy that he is, he stepped in and talked to my parents for a bit.

The end.

PS: I greatly enjoyed the movie.

I almost feel the summer breeze. Stagnant though the air in my room, I can feel it crawling in my skin. I can feel summer nights. I know the weather's not warming up yet, by my soul is. Over is my time spent underground, waiting for some unknown change. The change showed itself as it was realized. It is this indescribable change in myself that always occurs, yet I fail to remember that it does so.

Weird, weird, weird.

I was just laying in bed, staring at the vase of flowers on top of my tv cabinet and all of a sudden, it started pulsing. The vase. It got bigger and smaller, or closer or farther away to me, I'm not sure, with my heartbeat. It was like, pulsing. And then for a second, my room seemed to be doing the same thing.

I'm not on any drugs.

Well, I'm on antibiotics.

You don't think this is a side-effect, do you?

Oh boy. I felt like Brian Molko in the vid. for "Meds"

( So how should I start it? )

"This is another day in life. Life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides, inside and outside. So how do you get what's inside out? There once was a very pretty girl who lived inside a beautiful box, and everyone loved her."
-Gia, Movie

I guess everyone has to to be self-destructive in their own way. Maybe drugs really are the easy way out when you're looking to annihilate yourself. And some of us just look to make it complicated.
It's those of us clutching Nabokov and Dickens, trying to figure out just what went wrong and where, that really need the rehab. Those writing papers and following routines they wish they could shatter but, for some reason, can't. Those are the ones living with the addiction. The stuck in a box syndrome. You can always get out. And the ones who desperately seek to, but realize they can't on their own, have the real problem.
So to self-destruct, please press the 9-5 button now, and prepare for breakdown.

Let's end with a quote too.

"I used to think I was unstable, because I had this thirst for something. I could never figure out what it was. I couldn't sleep at night, and I always wanted to be somewhere else, and I have a window tattooed, this little box, and it's because wherever I was, I wanted to be somewhere else. And, I always saw myself, wherever I was in life, staring out the window."
-Angelina Jolie

Well put.

As of late, I've just been... delving into the past a lot. I keep going back to safe memories. Safe because they've (obviously) passed. Safe because I know how things turn out.
Am I really that scared of the future? I've never been one afraid of change but if it's not change, then I don't know what it is that terrifies me.
I've read my old livejournal entries. Thought about Marco. Thought about how I thought about Marco. Thought about how nothing's changed; it all just turned into a wish fulfilled.
I've also been reading Louis' old livejournal entries. I love the way she writes. And the entries-- they hurt. Reading them made me miss the way she spoke. So, I called her last night. We talked. It seemed casual and superficial. You know, we "caught up." Just when I got to the point of almost saying what I really wanted to say, I stopped myself. We can't go back in time. I just have to leave myself with the idea that she's the one that will "always be there" and yet always be so far away.
The Louis to my Lestat, still, after everything. *laughs* How many times did they part?

The only thing that's bothering me right now is this most horrible feeling in my chest. I really would love to know what it is. Maybe I'll figure it out later, but for now, all I feel is an enormous weight... Feels like it's hard to breathe, but I'm breathing fine. Feels like the same weight is pushing on my tear ducts and it's taking me all my strength to keep the salty ocular tidal pools from overflowing.

I hope she reads this. I really hope she does.

I just don't know what to do.

PS: If anyone's curious to what I'm doing at the moment, I'm cleaning. I never clean for no reason.

Livejournal. I love you. And I do so apologize for neglecting you at times. Like for the past couple of months. =\ Anyway! What has happened, you ask? Well...

-School has dwindled down to a mere shadow of anything remotely academic. It's pathetic and I do not take it seriously anymore. Now if only that ..lovely.. Mrs. Rosler would lay off the god damn homework like all the other teachers have been doing...

-I feel comfortable with who I am. I acknowledge and enjoy my faults. Except for the physical ones.

-The holidays were greatly enjoyable. Marco was here for Christmas and New Year's Eve. He was my kiss at midnight.

-Speaking of Marco, things are amazing. He is... a part of me. I never truly believed that I could find this. It almost transcends the physical plane. There has to be an explanation to this connection, I'm sure this doesn't happen to everyone. Or maybe this is the definition of soul mate. I don't know. I'm babbling. But there's something here.. something so right that it's not just ... it's even more than love, if there's anything more. Or maybe an esoteric kind of lo--- ok. I'm done. Seriously.

I honestly wish I could write again. I haven't been inspired in so long. Maybe it's because I'm happy.